Again i have to mention this interesting fact that i write only when i am sad and hurt, when there is noone else around. There are words of a song and it goes 'There must be some mistake, im not worth the price you paid, with every passing hour i convince my self that you saw something in me.'
Yes, HE saw. God sees our heart and our passion. He knows true our selves even if we deny it.
My church is small and we have no youth. Lately i got in a crew, good grew i have to say, we call our selves oposums. Even tho we dont drink, smoke, use drugs, we behave good, but they have changed me. In a bad way. All the time i felt rejected by them, left behind, left out. I tried to get accepted, done all kind of things. I started liking a boy and tried to have a relationship with him. He was denying me and i was going on and on. My best friend is in that crew and she left me. With no words she left me. And he, he was so rude to me, used me, played with me. now ive got to the point where it hurts a lot. way to much. i know i am one to blame, still i cant accept it. ive never done anything bad to them, still they rejected. am i too good to be around? like that they cant take good near them.
last night as i was talking with one of my believer friend, i asked him why do we like to be hurt, we know the right path and what shall we do and still we go with head trough the wall and later on blame god for not stopping us. he replied 'We think we can do better then the best, So we try, and try, and try. But fail, time after time. Yet we never realize it.'
god gave us everything, the best for us, and we dont want it and want to do it our way. one other replied that we are masochist and we just like the pain so we could know we are alive. still i rather feel good than pain to know that im alive.
i talked to my other friend today and she said its hard to be the light and shine, but still, in a smallest darkness, we are shining and we are leading someone. who i am leading and where?
god is with us, even if we cannot see and feel him. he is still here leading us. he is watching over us. we do believe in him, and still we fail. but at those times we have to say ' god here i am, i believe, help my unbelief.' there will be something holding us back, but we have to give it up to god. he can do anything. he will lead us back, use us. he knows our weakness and he forgives us and he just wants to hold us close. there is no place i rather be than in his arms of love.
