I grew up in a Christian family.
Seemingly, everything was ok; we were all healthy and happy. Then I suddenly
began to gain weight uncontrollably, unconnected with anything. I ate the same
food as my family and in smaller quantity but something was wrong. Even today I
don’t know what went wrong, but it doesn’t matter anymore. In elementary school
I weighed a lot. You can guess the amount and diversity of nicknames and snide
comments by my pears. In all that fighting I am thankful to have known God and
that he had a plan in all that for me and led everything to good to the one who
loves him with a pure heart.
I’ve been into photography actively
for five years now. I’m finishing a degree in Applied Photography and am in
contact with the media. Who among you is buying some kind of a magazine? What
do you see and find in them? Have you ever thought I would love to be one of
those people on the cover? Have you ever said I have nothing to wear?
Considering that most of us are far
from perfect, that can create insecurity within us in a ‘what are they gonna
say or think about me, will they notice my nose, neck, eyebrows, teeth, ears'
etc. What is he looking at on me,
something must be wrong’ sense and that has a side effect of fear. Fear of
rejection makes us forget what it does to a person. If we think about our
faults and have insecurity, others will surely notice it. But even if they
don’t notice our ‘imperfection’ that’s not the reason for us to feel deprived,
left aside and humiliated and to believe everything that they tell us. An opinion of a single person isn’t an opinion
of society. If that person is important to us their opinion will be important
and if not, their opinion won’t have that power in us. We give meaning to
words. If you’re aware of your fault, someone noticing it and saying it won’t
reach you because you have solved it with yourself. If you haven’t, every time
someone points a finger at your fault (though an object of ridicule doesn’t
have to be a fault) you will automatically feel ashamed humiliated and
embarrassed which probably is the goal of the opposite side. Some will probably
do it without thinking and without intention to hurt us but they will. God
knows very well what you’re missing and what you’re not. You shouldn’t go down
to their level. Photos in a magazine are worked on and there isn’t a photo in a
paper that didn’t go through a change. Some changes are drastic.
Working in media I often come across
slim, tight, well shaped bodies. Their faces are pure skinned, hair is fanned,
their makeup is very neatly done, and then you look at yourself and listen to
what people say about you and it gets hard to form a proper picture of who you
really are. The world has its own norms and understandings but God says
something different. For a long time I was mad at God in a way. I didn’t
understand why if we were all made in his shape, equal, why are some of us so
beautiful, accepted and loved and some are ridiculed and made fun of? I didn’t
understand why if we are all his children, why are some favored in society and
others always rejected and alone. For a long time I couldn’t look at myself in
the mirror, I couldn’t look in the face of a creature of God and accept that I
was wonderfully made, loved, his royal priesthood, his bride. Even though I was
actively doing sports, going to competitions was a good student and somewhat
good child; I was praised by my achievements but never accepted by my pears. I
was never good enough I could never fit in in what the media made beautiful and
good. Comments like you don’t smoke, don’t drink, don’t go out clubbing, we
don’t need you because of that, never reached me. I clearly saw that it wasn’t
God’s intention, not his way. But when you need to look at yourself in the
mirror and thank God, that’s when you choke. To look at yourself and say you’re
wonderfully made, and instead you see a balloon or a caricature of an animal.
It got to a point where not even my family called me by my name but they used
the names my pears gave me. In the family that was Piggy or Cow and among pears
Miss Piggy.
Even though I hated my body, the
Lord was feeding my spirit. In him were my eternal consolations while I spent
the nights crying. In his arms all the tears from my face were wiped away while
I listened to the songs of worship and shouted at him on my knees. If we were
all made in your shape, loved, why is my life so miserable? The process of
accepting myself physically took years and I can’t say it’s completely reached.
But in the moment we truly accept what God has for our lives, the change
appears.
I fought for a long time to be
accepted but for sure, until I accepted that he loves me, that he pours his
love on me, that he calls me his child and heir, I couldn’t go on. (I John’s
3:1) he loves us so much, unconditionally and perfectly, he knows everything
about us. If the people around you could see everything about you, your
thoughts, feelings and what you do in secrecy, would they love you? In spite
all that, he loves us and he gave his only son to die for us, US, nothing as we
are, so we could enjoy unity with him forever. In resurrected Christ, we can
walk in a new life so that we can reflect Father’s glory. (I Peter’s 2:9) Why
do we then prevent him from doing that? If we love him, if we’re thankful for
what he’s done for us, what prevents us from living life in the fullest, as he
wants us to, with all the virtues? Don’t let the world define you, they don’t
have the right to it. Satan tries that always, the media, thoughts, and
opinions of other people. You are defined by Christ. As long as we look upon
him and desire to live in his presence, everything will fall in place. As soon
as we reject ourselves and our body and turn our spirit to him so he can lead
and shape, everything around us will be less important. Do you think David had
it easy? A small unseeing boy standing in front of the giant soldier, Goliath.
When people were laughing they weren’t laughing at David but God within him.
It’s the same today, things people say to you, they are not saying to you but to
God. David stood in front Goliath in faith and authority and he didn’t fight
but God fought for him. If David wasn’t obedient and humble, he wouldn’t have
had victory in God. God is our shepherd, we should fear no evil, he set the
dinner table in sight of our enemies. That means we are in unity with our
enemies but we shouldn’t forget that God is always with us and that he guards
our steps so that we do not fall. After all we are God’s mirthful song,
determined to do good deeds. (Ephesians
2:19)
We are not here to be burdened with
the way we look or to fight with problems, Jesus already won for us. We
shouldn’t be obsessed with ourselves but let Christ be the measure of
everything in our lives. Because you believe in Christ it doesn’t mean
everything will be nice and easy. If you follow Jesus Christ, you MUST go
through some sort of suffering and you’ll definitely suffer. Through the
suffering you should praise God. I always say: ‘When God comes first,
everything is in its place’. If my eyes are focused on Jesus, on the cross of
Golgotha and that which was done for us, nothing, not media nor opinions, not
even temptations will stop me from praising God.
It’s not about what you see in the
mirror, but about the fear of rejection from our loved ones and friends. If you
deal with fear you’ve dealt with your image problem. As long as you’re afraid
about what others will say about your nose, ears, teeth, you’ll be paralyzed
when you realize God accepts you the way you are and that he has a path for
you, everything else becomes less important or not at all. First you have to
admit to yourself I have ears like that and nose like this and what you can’t
change, leave it to him. He then takes responsibility for your nose, teeth even
your life.
The real image isn’t in the
newspapers, magazines or the internet, but in God’s word. God’s plan doesn’t
include just our looks but much more. If God is leading your life, accept that
there’s a reason why you were made the way you are. Our looks don’t determine
our future. Something bigger is involved with our future that God imagined
aside from looks. You’ll never discover that if you first don’t accept what
you’ve been given and start from there. That’s when change begins.
The first step to becoming what God
has determined for us to become is stop worrying about what other people want
us to become. Let’s reshape into a new creature in him.
Until
we make our peace with him we are his enemies. (Romans 5:11)
Accept
that we should not fear because he’s fighting this battle for us. (V Moses
3:22)
Be
brave cause he is with us where ever we go. (Joshua 1:9)
Yearn
to see his goodness because it helps us and comforts us. (Psalm 86:17)
What
can the enemy do when he is with us? (Hebrews 13:6)
In
Christ we will flourish, we have hope for the future. (Jeremiah 29:11)
God
doesn’t care how we look like; he looks at our hearts, why do we fight so much?
(I Samuel 16:7)
He
chose us and he loves us; he has clothed us in compassion, kindness,
humbleness, gentleness and patience, do we need more than this? (Colossians
3:12)
We are
already new creatures, accepted, devoted, winners in Christ; they won’t
overpower us no matter what they say. (II Cor. 5:17, Rom. 15:7, I Cor. 1:2, II
Cor. 2:14)
The
Lord has covered us, put us on his palm. You have made everything in us and you
know everything about us, even our very end. (Psalm 139)
When I have accepted that everything
is mine in him, I gave myself to him, leaned on his word more honestly; my
spirit was changing, healing. Even today I can’t easily stand in front of the
window, but my spirit has peace in beautiful almighty God. God didn’t say it
will be easy but he promised he will be with us and that this path will be
worth it. And it was. Now I can serve
him better where ever he takes me. I happily accept because I know that he
knows what’s best for me, what I need, where he wants to use me and what he
wants to teach me.
Translation from Serbian done by Aleksandar Dimitrijevic
Translation from Serbian done by Aleksandar Dimitrijevic
